MIDNIGHT POETRY “Falling Inside”

This time my loose attempt at creating poetry has been inspired and guided into being by an acclaimed, well versed and passionate UK poet Joelle Taylor. Joelle led a poetry workshop here in Brisbane and I had the pleasure to be there. Thank you Joelle for bringing your significant and raw style of poetry into being and sharing your story with the wider audience. You are a legend and an inspiration 🙂

Here is my piece uncovering the turning point of my extraordinary life experience.

“Falling Inside”

A woman herded behind an office desk
equaling figures balancing out sheets.

One cog in the vending machine of life
Spitting out coke addicts at regular intervals
Undisturbed sheepish existence.
Pages of years gone by.

The thundering storm came uninvited
Breaking the echoes of silence and seclusion
The sky broke in half. Peace and bliss at first.

Massively frightening and uprooting all in a space of a day
The fire came from within and burned all without mercy.

Head spins and heads turn away from the burning image
Deep inside lies the key to salvation of the soul.

Upturned and recycled image of the ego
Holding out its formal reigns.
The illusion of control destroyed.

Free fall into the abyss of life.

____________________

 

 

 

 

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THE FUTURE IS AS BLEAK AS WE SEE IT

Rather than talking about the state of the planet and detailed foretelling of the global future, let me offer a little different view.

You might have heard the saying ‘What you focus on expands‘, respectively ‘Where attention goes energy flows‘ or something on a similar note.

And with that comes my question: What “thought type” represents your daily mindset the most?

A) a worrier
You are always in the heightened state of expecting something to go wrong. Postulating about all the possible scenarios that will ‘go bad’.

B) oldnews advocate
You listens to all the news and feel overwhelmed by all the terrible and gloomy world out there, where everyone is against everyone and ‘they’ are controlling the planet with whatever possible.

C) an optimist
You are the person who always seems to be in a good mood, not too worried by much and looking at all with a positive attitude of hope and wondrous expectation and trust.

Which one is the ‘right’ one for you? Or rather, would you prefer to be in a different frame of mind than you find yourself be in now? Do you recon it is possible to change your mind?

Are we able to unsee the seen?

In this past 10 years I had the opportunity to reach into the depth of my mind and psyche. The stuff that I saw there was not exactly pretty. I was looking around the mental concepts of my life and started to find and observe all kinds of rigid structures, frameworks, and beliefs. With time, (and after therapy and trainings of all kinds), I learned to be more aware and observant of what goes on inside of the mind. Sometimes it’s quite in the very moment of the situation at hand, but thanks to the ability to reflect upon thoughts and behaviors, also in the hindsight.

Above is to demonstrate that there is a certain process of adventure and discovery, when we learn to uncover our own shortcomings and rigid thoughts.

The world out there reflects upon what is inside of us. Another statement says:  ‘We can’t see outside what is not inside of us.’

So if there are ongoing internal turmoils within us, they are then reflected upon our daily reality (thoughts, feelings, behaviors) and affect all that is happening with us. That also affects our focus.

As you might have previously learned about our RAS (Reticular Activating System), our brain tends to filter out all ‘unnecessary’ information and outside input, based on our concept of reality and focus.

Whether we see the future as bleak or not, is just our perception and focus.

When we learn to direct our focus towards other attention seeking choices, we might actually feel better about life in general, about ourselves and about the world around us.

What is important to realize is that we learned to perceive life a certain way. Through societal indoctrination, through parental influence and other social conditioning while we were children. Now, as grown ups we often still carry this illusion made just from ‘hot air’ in our mind.

Check for yourself. Is your thinking aligned to your sense of being? Or is there work to be done by sifting through the old and bringing in new, more open mind?

Now, let me finish by saying this. I don’t mean to prescribe the one and only way of being. There is not one way of thinking that will suit us all. We are all at different stages through our life paths and therefore might need different mindsets from each other.

The above said, I find that for me personally the following works magic.

Cultivating an optimistic mindset; getting rid off or switching off all negative and dramatic sounding devices and apps; being surrounded by nature and silence as often as possible…

Simple things like these can help us re-balance our unhealthy thinking and bring more peace into our life. And by finding more balance in our own life we are better equipped to help others.

The unrealness of the prefabricated learned construct of reality is bursting out of seams.

Creating more open minded space of expansion. Yay!

Exciting times ahead.

THE TIME OF SWOOPING MAGPIES

It has been an interesting ride for me, this past two to three weeks. My brain had to undergo a number of shocks and to reset itself, after the ongoing energy that went through it.

Who doesn’t believe that we are energetic beings needs to learn about the use of electro-convulsive therapy. ECT, as it is commonly known, is rather controversial treatment and in many countries is forbidden. Here, in Australia, it is still however a common treatment of choice for stabilizing mental health.

What I learned afterwards is that it is administered in combination with a medication, which makes the patient lose memory. At least that was the explanation given to me by a nurse, when I complained about a loss of memory at around the time of ECT.

Now, you might or might not agree with the use of ECT. I had my brain changed by its use multitude of times in the last 9 years. I can say that it seems to be the one and only resource in the medical field, which seems to deliver some desired result.

So, whether I agree with the administering of the electrical current to my brain or not, whether I like to undergo a seizure of a kind or not; I have to admit, that its result is rather mysterious, yet desired. It happens to somewhat reset and bring back my commonly accepted behaviors and beliefs.

And the persona that is accepted in the society at large, as well functioning, returns upon the effect of the ECT.

Yes, I am blatantly stating that it works, even though no one actually understands why and how.

The vegetable, which I become, right after the treatment with ECT, slowly and mysteriously dissipates and I start to return to make ‘sense’ again. My faculty of cognition and logic returned and I was even able to talk the doctors out of further treatment.

And if you ask why I need the treatment in the first place, you might be surprised to learn the truth. The truth is, that since my Kundalini awakening experience back in 2009, I at times enter a state of being, a state of mind, where I become ‘a danger’ to myself. I stop eating, drinking and sleeping. In that state, I can communicate with others, still cognitive, yet elevated. I feel very high energetically and can be very physically and mentally strong during that time.

That state is not yet sustainable or accepted by others. So until I am able to sustain it and survive it in this body, I understand that I still need to receive a treatment for it.

And until there is a better and humanely more acceptable treatment other than ECT, I will have to endure its course.

May the energy flow through you in harmony.

CRAZY BY NATURE, BLISSED OUT

I have a conviction I want to make today. It’s been some time, actually since the year 2009, since my ‘first awakening’. And today I want to talk a bit about what that means in my life experiences. People often hear about some form of ‘awakening’ on a regular basis, but what it really means for those involved?

I will tell you my personal recent example. Today is a rather special day for me. Just because I am still alive and breathing, cognitive and able to somehow function. It’s been very interesting past two and half weeks. My attendance in the mental health ward was truly somewhat different than the previous xx times. This time round, I went in there still functioning consciously very well , yet with a massive dose of energy that could not be contained. My body was up and running on Prana. I didn’t have the need for food, drink or sleep. That was very energy draining for my husband though, who didn’t get his needed sleep either. After a couple of days like that, he had no choice, but to take me to hospital.

Now, what happened with me there could be viewed as very distressing and hard to understand for anyone involved, especially myself. After some time on the open ward, I had been put into seclusion and it was not pretty at all. Not wanting to scare people off, or to sound very negative and frightening, I will try my best to provide the most objective overview of the situation.

The energy called Kundalini, or whatever one wishes to refer to it, was very high in me and as I was not allowed to ‘ride it’ I felt like caged animal. Due to consequently being treated with a doses of ECT, and the administering of some specific memory disturbing medication (about which I learned now from a nurse friend of mine) I have a loss of memory for about a week or so. However, saying that still makes me wonder, what specific behaviour did I do, that put me in danger of myself, that the doctors decided to put me into seclusion and treat me with ECT.

For some time after the ECT I was pure vegetable. Only some good healing time later I was back to my ‘commonly acceptable’ self, and able to reason and apply logic to my voice. And that was when the doctors listened to me and refrained from administering further doses of already agreed upon ECT. True relief was, that I was able to speak for myself acceptable well enough to change their regular form of treatment. I had challenged their methods for some time already, so it was nice to be respected for who I presented as.

While in the hospital ward, I met with some interesting people. Patients and nurses. Everyone was there for some reason, sometimes not knowing why. Yet the most important thing that I learned was that we are all in this together. The staff, the patients, the visitors, all. We are all threading our life path without instructions. Just living to our best knowledge and understanding of what life is about. Oftentimes keeping occupied, to avoid looking at the depth of our being. Avoiding feeling the many individual traumas that our life journey provided. Being part of life existence, being deeply touched by experiences and learning to teach ourselves the best possible way to drive our conscious existence.

Awakening as such is the process of shattering of the structured concept of the self and the others. The understanding through experience that there is the oneness of all there is, and that we are all part of it in our own uniqueness. The bursting out of seams of the conscious mind, reaching deep into the unconscious and subconscious and pulling out the weeds that got planted there. Awakening means different things to different people. To me it’s the above and beyond.

Now being back in the familiar environment that I cherish dearly, I appreciate the small things life provides. Like getting awake every morning. Like being able to breathe air. Like having a family that loves and accepts me with all the faults and quirks that I provide. That and more makes me grateful. Friends who are there for me when I feel that I need their attention.

I dare you to question your existence in a way that challenges your own beliefs. I dare you and me to live up to our best self, to be the true Self actualized. To self realize.

Find the truth of who you are and live that. I experience glimpses of my true higher self in the moments that felt blissful and free. The higher purpose of life is revealed in those moments of clarity and connection. There is more to life than the daily grind that we are often times part of.

Shed the shell of conditioning and find a path to the truth. It gets revealed through deeper experiences and often looks crazy to masses. I am here to shake my own concepts. To apply what I preach in my own life. To heal my broken being through understanding and attention.

Here I am, still crazy as ever and able to perceive the underlying fabric of life existence. Seeing the influence of life around me through my eyes and feeling the energy in my body. Being in the body, yet not the body. Moving air through my nostrils and keeping the body alive and functioning, unconsciously conscious.

Feel the air you breathe in and out in a moment of conscious living.

Breathe freely and live consciously.