THE UNTOLD STORY OF MY LIFE

If it was by choice, my life would start something like this. Born in a country with no conflict, to a couple of loving parents; into financial secure environment, with enough food on the table each day. Born healthy and breathing. With bright and exciting future ahead. And that is exactly the choice I made and what was true for my arrival on my birthday.


All was good and well. The problems started to creep in later on.


My second teeth didn’t quite fit into my mouth and so I had to wear metal braces. That was a good reason for a few cruel children in my environment to laugh at me. As a result I stopped wearing them and my teeth did not fit. I endured name calling and started to hide my smile.


When I was 16, a group of us girlfriends took a day trip to a distant swimming pool. There we were joined by some boys of similar age group. One of the boys caught my eye. However, he was more interested in the other girls than me. At the end of the day, one of the boys made a prank and jumped into the swimming pool in my T shirt. To my surprise the boy I was interested in, Peter offered me his dry T shirt to wear so I could get home. I accepted. He also gave me his contact details (as this was in the time prior to mobile phones, it was a landline number).


The next day I called and arranged to return his T shirt. Naïve as I was, little did I realize that I would get more than I bargained for. Peter, as I learned, was a son of a Gynecologist. Ever so happy to get some more ‘hands on expertise’ in that area. At the end of that day, I left him more than his T’s. However, as naïve as I was, I did not trust that this would be a full blown relationship. After all, I was leaving for 2 months summer holidays to the other side of the country. Our relationship was quick and over.


Upon my return to the big city, I started to ‘escape’ it regularly. Every weekend I packed my sleeping bag and some cans of food and met with a similar group of army clothed people with guitars at the train station. Together we took the train and then hiked to some random place in the forest, where we would stay overnight under not much of a shelter.


It was known as ‘tramping’, which would be something like ‘wanderers’. As the English slang meaning of that word implies I did go from one relationship to another as well. While always thinking that I was really in love with that person. Only to find myself in another relationship 3 or so months later.


One day in those years I found myself sitting very high on a cliff, above the path where my then freshly ex-boyfriend left me with a new girl in lycra pants. I was fuming and hopeless. Ready to make a statement and jump. Falling for another man was my way of healing. I didn’t know any better, and I was lucky to stay without any health consequences.


The numbers grew and I was making conclusions about my love life. I will never have a long term relationship. There is no Mr Right for me on this planet.


Years passed and I had lived through them quite well. Working 2 to 3 years in the corporate world in Europe, then quitting and travelling overseas as a volunteer, then back to work and so on.


When I decided to abandon my already approved J1 visa to return to America in 2002 and instead to travel all the way to the other side of the world, to Australia, I arranged a visa for one year.
Little did I know that that one year would lead to completely new life, full of new up and down experiences.


The first year upon my arrival, I met my soulmate. Lovely man who is very different character to those I used to date before. I am forever grateful for that. I learned that life has its plans and ideas, and works in its own divine time.


In Europe and before my crush of identity in Australia I presented as a positive and strong personality. I had worked in accounts departments of several international corporations. My last role in Czech republic was working for 3 years in Accounts office of the British Embassy. I was on top of the world, especially with all the royalty treatments and receptions that were involved.


Then I took a plunge, quit and arrived with one backpack as a naïve student to Sydney. That it would be as hard I didn’t realize.

I was on a student visa, which allowed only 20 hours work. All the Accounts roles were full time and required local experience, which I did not have.


I rented a room in a family house with a separate little kitchen that only had a microwave oven. For 6 months my food was a microwaved porridge. Once I invited college friends for lunch and upon presenting them with what I had cooked in the microwave, they started to call me Bridget. As per the Bridget Jones’s Diary movie.


Few months passed. I stopped my pursuit of Accounts jobs, taking on a job as an assistant in a Sandwich bar. That gave me the fuller variety of food choices. Well, whatever ingredients went into a sandwich. Hospitality jobs provided what I needed. Food, money and some connections.


At first I was prepared to go back to my homeland at the end of my student visa. When I got together with my partner after six months of my arrival, it changed my perspective on the situation. We utilized our mutual sense for entrepreneurship through presented opportunities and it brought us closer together as well as provided us with some spare money to spend on travel. Whenever we could, we went exploring the country. Our student life was now bearable and even enjoyable.


Life went on and eventually I looked for and found a corporate Accounts job again. At the start of that I would work in two jobs at the same time. During office business hours, I would work in an office and weekends I worked in a local Café. Seven days a week for 3 months. Tired and exhausted I finally quit the hospitality work and focused on the office work alone.


To get a PR (permanent residency) was a good decision and an opportunity presented itself. From student visas through Business Visa Sponsorship and then Citizenship took years, lot of paperwork and a good hearted boss.


During that time I broke my heart. All was going well until one day life decided to test me. Another man came into my life. My heart was totally torn. I was a total mess for a good few years. At the brink of separating from my real soulmate! Just around that time the company I worked for made a merger and was relocating to another state. So I grabbed my soulmate and went with it, trusting in the best outcome.


Now, new life was starting for us in another Australian state. Wounds seemed to have mended and we moved on in life. All seemed to go well.


Until we attended a 10 days silent meditation retreat in 2009. Those days defined yet another turning point in my life, this time totally shuttering my world concept.


From November 2009 until 2018 I had been hospitalized over 10 times for periods between 3 days to 4 weeks. Most of that time cared for in the PICU. The traumas and harsh treatments that I went through are hard to put in words. I lost count of the total number of ECT’s (electro convulsive therapy aka shock treatments) practiced on me during my stays in the hospitals.


The sheer horror and mess I was in is indescribable. My family, especially my partner suffered in silence.
I went from being all well and seemingly put together to total loss of reality and human rights.

But after all … as Louise Hay would say: “All is well”.

And so it is.

My life is great overall, and getting better every day. I am very grateful for all the people who love and appreciate me at this Earth journey. My passion is to share my knowing and feelings in the form of the written word. My desire is to help to empower others and to wake people up from deep sleep to self realization. Life is beautiful. You are beautiful, just the way you are. Love and acceptance.


As it is by choice, my life is about: Learning to love and respect oneself. Learning to accept seeming imperfections in my past. Learning to be centered and calm in any situation. Learning to go with the flow and trust life. Learning to build back self-esteem and self-confidence. Learning to offer unconditional love to my loving life partner. Learning to be peaceful and relaxed. Learning to share my story and to empower others. Learning to be true to myself.

My affirmations:
Everything in my life is going well. I am feeling the blessings in my life. I am surrounded by people who love me. I love myself. I accept myself the way I am. I am cared for and safe.

I trust we all have a story. Mine may not be as empowering as yours.

I felt inspired to write my heart out. I now trust the process of life.

There is more to each of us than what is visible outside.

What is your story? Anything in mine that you could relate to?

Share in the comments if you are drawn to do so.

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Exposed Bare. Mentally Ill Or Awaking?

This time I decided to share something very different with you all.  Now this is a very personal video that I was nudged to share with the world after ‘hiding it’ in the closet for over 9 months.

To give you a bit of a scenery….This video was recorded by me on 1 January 2017. The next day I admitted myself to hospital.

Leaving the rest to your imagination…

Now, if you have watched the  video I would be glad if you posted a comment. I would like to learn about your responses.

Love & healing to you and your loved ones.

 

 

 

 

How to Detox the Ego

Are you aware, that there is a part of you, often referred to as an ego, which tries its utmost to control all aspects of your life? It is the part of you that tells you what you need to do, and what you should or should not do in any given situation.

It is also this part, which pulls the strings of your reactions to anything in your reality. It tries to control your emotional responses, as it sees fit. Why would our ego do this? The programmed function of the ego is a protection from danger. And as it tries to do its job well, it tries all the tricks it learned.

However, the ego is not who we are in our wholeness and completeness. We are a way more than our ego. We are something beyond our mental comprehension.

Many people who are searching for inner peace or blissful states of being are conscious of this part of theirs, the ego, and think, that they need to destroy its functioning completely and only then they will find peace and happiness.

I would like to share my current viewpoint. As I stated above, our ego has a programmed function of safety and survival as its core.

We didn’t come to this body with fear of life. When life ‘happened’ to us, at the early onset of our physical creation in the womb, our body were only two little cells. They orderly multiplied and life was in the process of creating our body.

When we were very little children, and before we heard the first “Don’t” from our carers, we felt freedom. The freedom of the Self, expressed through form. It was the inherent freedom of being alive and free to experience life.

Then the first perceived fear was installed into us by our carers and day by day our spontaneous joy of existence seeped away. Our psyche split into different parts, as we were introduced into the societal drill of control of our feelings and behaviors. We started to form beliefs about life and ourselves. They were not our individual beliefs. They were passed onto us from the past generations.

Now, I will say one part of our psyche split itself from the whole, into the ego part.  The learned conscious part of ourselves  took to its purpose to be the gatekeeper, the judge, the controller, the auditor, the censor of all the life experiences that we perceive through the five senses that we possess.

What then is the way out to the freedom of being?

My observation is that the first step is to form an awareness of having an ego part. The next step is to take its place of control seriously. Appreciate its function. Acknowledge that it’s been trying its hardest to protect our life from danger for the whole time we are alive.

Then the next step is to take the responsibility of the ego into broader awareness that we reach beyond more than our fears and, often, rigid beliefs.

I am not proclaiming that getting rid of the ego is the way to be. What I am saying is to befriend our ego, to shine a light onto its important historical function and to allow ‘him’ some time off from the controlling position of our life.

Detox the ego

By having awareness and focus we are well equipped to create a different reality than the one we were creating through the ego blinded eyes. Our life always reflects who we are on the inside in the given moment. When we start to unveil the frightened parts of our psyche, under the control of the ego, it challenges the ego a big time. So we need to do it with love and understanding.

Rather than blaming the ego for our current life, we need to embrace his function and replace his ways with the ways of the heart. It’s our journey in this life to learn to be real. Not realistic, but real. Be authentic means to be who we really are, with all our traits that we try to suppress under the skin. And loving the wholeness of what we are. All of it with ego or without.

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