THE UNTOLD STORY OF MY LIFE

If it was by choice, my life would start something like this. Born in a country with no conflict, to a couple of loving parents; into financial secure environment, with enough food on the table each day. Born healthy and breathing. With bright and exciting future ahead. And that is exactly the choice I made and what was true for my arrival on my birthday.


All was good and well. The problems started to creep in later on.


My second teeth didn’t quite fit into my mouth and so I had to wear metal braces. That was a good reason for a few cruel children in my environment to laugh at me. As a result I stopped wearing them and my teeth did not fit. I endured name calling and started to hide my smile.


When I was 16, a group of us girlfriends took a day trip to a distant swimming pool. There we were joined by some boys of similar age group. One of the boys caught my eye. However, he was more interested in the other girls than me. At the end of the day, one of the boys made a prank and jumped into the swimming pool in my T shirt. To my surprise the boy I was interested in, Peter offered me his dry T shirt to wear so I could get home. I accepted. He also gave me his contact details (as this was in the time prior to mobile phones, it was a landline number).


The next day I called and arranged to return his T shirt. Naïve as I was, little did I realize that I would get more than I bargained for. Peter, as I learned, was a son of a Gynecologist. Ever so happy to get some more ‘hands on expertise’ in that area. At the end of that day, I left him more than his T’s. However, as naïve as I was, I did not trust that this would be a full blown relationship. After all, I was leaving for 2 months summer holidays to the other side of the country. Our relationship was quick and over.


Upon my return to the big city, I started to ‘escape’ it regularly. Every weekend I packed my sleeping bag and some cans of food and met with a similar group of army clothed people with guitars at the train station. Together we took the train and then hiked to some random place in the forest, where we would stay overnight under not much of a shelter.


It was known as ‘tramping’, which would be something like ‘wanderers’. As the English slang meaning of that word implies I did go from one relationship to another as well. While always thinking that I was really in love with that person. Only to find myself in another relationship 3 or so months later.


One day in those years I found myself sitting very high on a cliff, above the path where my then freshly ex-boyfriend left me with a new girl in lycra pants. I was fuming and hopeless. Ready to make a statement and jump. Falling for another man was my way of healing. I didn’t know any better, and I was lucky to stay without any health consequences.


The numbers grew and I was making conclusions about my love life. I will never have a long term relationship. There is no Mr Right for me on this planet.


Years passed and I had lived through them quite well. Working 2 to 3 years in the corporate world in Europe, then quitting and travelling overseas as a volunteer, then back to work and so on.


When I decided to abandon my already approved J1 visa to return to America in 2002 and instead to travel all the way to the other side of the world, to Australia, I arranged a visa for one year.
Little did I know that that one year would lead to completely new life, full of new up and down experiences.


The first year upon my arrival, I met my soulmate. Lovely man who is very different character to those I used to date before. I am forever grateful for that. I learned that life has its plans and ideas, and works in its own divine time.


In Europe and before my crush of identity in Australia I presented as a positive and strong personality. I had worked in accounts departments of several international corporations. My last role in Czech republic was working for 3 years in Accounts office of the British Embassy. I was on top of the world, especially with all the royalty treatments and receptions that were involved.


Then I took a plunge, quit and arrived with one backpack as a naïve student to Sydney. That it would be as hard I didn’t realize.

I was on a student visa, which allowed only 20 hours work. All the Accounts roles were full time and required local experience, which I did not have.


I rented a room in a family house with a separate little kitchen that only had a microwave oven. For 6 months my food was a microwaved porridge. Once I invited college friends for lunch and upon presenting them with what I had cooked in the microwave, they started to call me Bridget. As per the Bridget Jones’s Diary movie.


Few months passed. I stopped my pursuit of Accounts jobs, taking on a job as an assistant in a Sandwich bar. That gave me the fuller variety of food choices. Well, whatever ingredients went into a sandwich. Hospitality jobs provided what I needed. Food, money and some connections.


At first I was prepared to go back to my homeland at the end of my student visa. When I got together with my partner after six months of my arrival, it changed my perspective on the situation. We utilized our mutual sense for entrepreneurship through presented opportunities and it brought us closer together as well as provided us with some spare money to spend on travel. Whenever we could, we went exploring the country. Our student life was now bearable and even enjoyable.


Life went on and eventually I looked for and found a corporate Accounts job again. At the start of that I would work in two jobs at the same time. During office business hours, I would work in an office and weekends I worked in a local Café. Seven days a week for 3 months. Tired and exhausted I finally quit the hospitality work and focused on the office work alone.


To get a PR (permanent residency) was a good decision and an opportunity presented itself. From student visas through Business Visa Sponsorship and then Citizenship took years, lot of paperwork and a good hearted boss.


During that time I broke my heart. All was going well until one day life decided to test me. Another man came into my life. My heart was totally torn. I was a total mess for a good few years. At the brink of separating from my real soulmate! Just around that time the company I worked for made a merger and was relocating to another state. So I grabbed my soulmate and went with it, trusting in the best outcome.


Now, new life was starting for us in another Australian state. Wounds seemed to have mended and we moved on in life. All seemed to go well.


Until we attended a 10 days silent meditation retreat in 2009. Those days defined yet another turning point in my life, this time totally shuttering my world concept.


From November 2009 until 2018 I had been hospitalized over 10 times for periods between 3 days to 4 weeks. Most of that time cared for in the PICU. The traumas and harsh treatments that I went through are hard to put in words. I lost count of the total number of ECT’s (electro convulsive therapy aka shock treatments) practiced on me during my stays in the hospitals.


The sheer horror and mess I was in is indescribable. My family, especially my partner suffered in silence.
I went from being all well and seemingly put together to total loss of reality and human rights.

But after all … as Louise Hay would say: “All is well”.

And so it is.

My life is great overall, and getting better every day. I am very grateful for all the people who love and appreciate me at this Earth journey. My passion is to share my knowing and feelings in the form of the written word. My desire is to help to empower others and to wake people up from deep sleep to self realization. Life is beautiful. You are beautiful, just the way you are. Love and acceptance.


As it is by choice, my life is about: Learning to love and respect oneself. Learning to accept seeming imperfections in my past. Learning to be centered and calm in any situation. Learning to go with the flow and trust life. Learning to build back self-esteem and self-confidence. Learning to offer unconditional love to my loving life partner. Learning to be peaceful and relaxed. Learning to share my story and to empower others. Learning to be true to myself.

My affirmations:
Everything in my life is going well. I am feeling the blessings in my life. I am surrounded by people who love me. I love myself. I accept myself the way I am. I am cared for and safe.

I trust we all have a story. Mine may not be as empowering as yours.

I felt inspired to write my heart out. I now trust the process of life.

There is more to each of us than what is visible outside.

What is your story? Anything in mine that you could relate to?

Share in the comments if you are drawn to do so.

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THE TIME OF SWOOPING MAGPIES

It has been an interesting ride for me, this past two to three weeks. My brain had to undergo a number of shocks and to reset itself, after the ongoing energy that went through it.

Who doesn’t believe that we are energetic beings needs to learn about the use of electro-convulsive therapy. ECT, as it is commonly known, is rather controversial treatment and in many countries is forbidden. Here, in Australia, it is still however a common treatment of choice for stabilizing mental health.

What I learned afterwards is that it is administered in combination with a medication, which makes the patient lose memory. At least that was the explanation given to me by a nurse, when I complained about a loss of memory at around the time of ECT.

Now, you might or might not agree with the use of ECT. I had my brain changed by its use multitude of times in the last 9 years. I can say that it seems to be the one and only resource in the medical field, which seems to deliver some desired result.

So, whether I agree with the administering of the electrical current to my brain or not, whether I like to undergo a seizure of a kind or not; I have to admit, that its result is rather mysterious, yet desired. It happens to somewhat reset and bring back my commonly accepted behaviors and beliefs.

And the persona that is accepted in the society at large, as well functioning, returns upon the effect of the ECT.

Yes, I am blatantly stating that it works, even though no one actually understands why and how.

The vegetable, which I become, right after the treatment with ECT, slowly and mysteriously dissipates and I start to return to make ‘sense’ again. My faculty of cognition and logic returned and I was even able to talk the doctors out of further treatment.

And if you ask why I need the treatment in the first place, you might be surprised to learn the truth. The truth is, that since my Kundalini awakening experience back in 2009, I at times enter a state of being, a state of mind, where I become ‘a danger’ to myself. I stop eating, drinking and sleeping. In that state, I can communicate with others, still cognitive, yet elevated. I feel very high energetically and can be very physically and mentally strong during that time.

That state is not yet sustainable or accepted by others. So until I am able to sustain it and survive it in this body, I understand that I still need to receive a treatment for it.

And until there is a better and humanely more acceptable treatment other than ECT, I will have to endure its course.

May the energy flow through you in harmony.

COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET

Here it is! A breakthrough announcement. Let me tell you the story, so you know which closet it’s coming from.

There was a time in my life when things were not this smooth, but rather purely crazy. My relationships were an orderly chaos for many years. I actually made a bet that I will not marry. The partnerships that I got into were not very suitable for me and my work life was just a daily endeavor that kept me in a state of limbo for a long time. I had been living that way for too long, until I could not breathe in that life any longer.

The meaning of my life was a blur. Acting according to societal expectations, ingrained into me through my upbringing. I lived unaware of what this existence was all about. What I was all about. What my life meant and what was I here for.

When conformity became way too big a burden to drag around I packed one bag and left my country of origin. On my own. I knew nobody, where I was heading and I didn’t quite have a clue what I will do.

What kept me going was the need for a change of scenery. The need to get out of the uncomfortable feeling I had in the so called comfort zone. If I stayed where I was, nothing seemed to ever improve. So I had to carve my own life path.

The new beginning  in a new country was not easy. However, even through the first few years I was fairly stable and solid in my opinions about life and how I wanted to live it.

I met some interesting people on my journey and took upon a few opportunities and it all started to come together and bring me a new sense of belonging and identity. Things started to work out nicely. Until…

Until life had a joke up its sleeve for me and I was about to learn more about it.

Then one day I browsed the internet for places to go on holidays. I stumbled upon a 10 days silent meditation retreat, which was called Vipassana. My curious mind was engaged and once I found a bit more about it I was hooked. I wanted to try it. I was both daring and intrigued. To spend 10 days in complete silence, without any eye contact, with no sex, no writing, no technology, no books, no exercise, no alcohol, no drugs, no music…no distractions.

Well, it didn’t take much for me to decide to do it.

The retreat was set in a forest, in an environment of peaceful surroundings and wild wallabies, birds and other creatures. Just perfect set for such an intense 10 days meditation course.

I will skip the details of the retreat story here, and get to the point I want to make here.

My life shattered on that retreat. It was wild, crazy, deep, moving, painful and enlightening ride. I survived physically, yet everything in my psyche fell apart and re-birthed itself anew. It blew my mind, literally.

Life after the retreat was not in any shape or form the same as before.

The belief structures that were so well ingrained in my psyche shattered into millions of lights. Life suddenly made sense.

To know what I am talking about here exactly, you can Google these two words “Kundalini Awakening”, respectively for more descriptive detail of the events, you might want to read the book “Driven By Kundalini”.

I went from being a rather strong and solid practical personality for most years, to finding myself in the center of the whole universal life energy. Bliss is a good way to describe the state of mind, when our mind gets out of the way and the energies there are present and moving upwards.

Experience the eternity in a moment is the best I can call it. Hell and heavens meeting point.

What actually happened was that I ended up hospitalized and locked up in the ICU intensity care unit.

And that was just the beginning …

To leave you with some sort of wisdom from all this. Here is what I know now.

Life is best lived. Until we stretch our thinking mind, we don’t grow. Without support of the right kind, we might not progress as expected.

Let life be what it is, without expectations and attachments to the past or the future.

Be aware.

 

 

 

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