I have a conviction I want to make today. It’s been some time, actually since the year 2009, since my ‘first awakening’. And today I want to talk a bit about what that means in my life experiences. People often hear about some form of ‘awakening’ on a regular basis, but what it really means for those involved?
I will tell you my personal recent example. Today is a rather special day for me. Just because I am still alive and breathing, cognitive and able to somehow function. It’s been very interesting past two and half weeks. My attendance in the mental health ward was truly somewhat different than the previous xx times. This time round, I went in there still functioning consciously very well , yet with a massive dose of energy that could not be contained. My body was up and running on Prana. I didn’t have the need for food, drink or sleep. That was very energy draining for my husband though, who didn’t get his needed sleep either. After a couple of days like that, he had no choice, but to take me to hospital.
Now, what happened with me there could be viewed as very distressing and hard to understand for anyone involved, especially myself. After some time on the open ward, I had been put into seclusion and it was not pretty at all. Not wanting to scare people off, or to sound very negative and frightening, I will try my best to provide the most objective overview of the situation.
The energy called Kundalini, or whatever one wishes to refer to it, was very high in me and as I was not allowed to ‘ride it’ I felt like caged animal. Due to consequently being treated with a doses of ECT, and the administering of some specific memory disturbing medication (about which I learned now from a nurse friend of mine) I have a loss of memory for about a week or so. However, saying that still makes me wonder, what specific behaviour did I do, that put me in danger of myself, that the doctors decided to put me into seclusion and treat me with ECT.
For some time after the ECT I was pure vegetable. Only some good healing time later I was back to my ‘commonly acceptable’ self, and able to reason and apply logic to my voice. And that was when the doctors listened to me and refrained from administering further doses of already agreed upon ECT. True relief was, that I was able to speak for myself acceptable well enough to change their regular form of treatment. I had challenged their methods for some time already, so it was nice to be respected for who I presented as.
While in the hospital ward, I met with some interesting people. Patients and nurses. Everyone was there for some reason, sometimes not knowing why. Yet the most important thing that I learned was that we are all in this together. The staff, the patients, the visitors, all. We are all threading our life path without instructions. Just living to our best knowledge and understanding of what life is about. Oftentimes keeping occupied, to avoid looking at the depth of our being. Avoiding feeling the many individual traumas that our life journey provided. Being part of life existence, being deeply touched by experiences and learning to teach ourselves the best possible way to drive our conscious existence.
Awakening as such is the process of shattering of the structured concept of the self and the others. The understanding through experience that there is the oneness of all there is, and that we are all part of it in our own uniqueness. The bursting out of seams of the conscious mind, reaching deep into the unconscious and subconscious and pulling out the weeds that got planted there. Awakening means different things to different people. To me it’s the above and beyond.
Now being back in the familiar environment that I cherish dearly, I appreciate the small things life provides. Like getting awake every morning. Like being able to breathe air. Like having a family that loves and accepts me with all the faults and quirks that I provide. That and more makes me grateful. Friends who are there for me when I feel that I need their attention.
I dare you to question your existence in a way that challenges your own beliefs. I dare you and me to live up to our best self, to be the true Self actualized. To self realize.
Find the truth of who you are and live that. I experience glimpses of my true higher self in the moments that felt blissful and free. The higher purpose of life is revealed in those moments of clarity and connection. There is more to life than the daily grind that we are often times part of.
Shed the shell of conditioning and find a path to the truth. It gets revealed through deeper experiences and often looks crazy to masses. I am here to shake my own concepts. To apply what I preach in my own life. To heal my broken being through understanding and attention.
Here I am, still crazy as ever and able to perceive the underlying fabric of life existence. Seeing the influence of life around me through my eyes and feeling the energy in my body. Being in the body, yet not the body. Moving air through my nostrils and keeping the body alive and functioning, unconsciously conscious.
Feel the air you breathe in and out in a moment of conscious living.
Breathe freely and live consciously.